Im BACKKKKKKKKKK!!! It’s family talk. Baby talk. Hubby talk. Anything but no more in the emo-boygirl-relationship-talk.

 

It has been a few very awkward months since I gave up on my job for a family. I totally forgot I actually could write “professionally” here after being preggie almost 4 years in a row ( felt like it) :P Then one day BAMMM! I remembered. I actually can blog. And...hastily put up a blog again for my close friends.  Few months back, I had a passionate affair with creative ideas of cooking and am feeling entirely pregnant again,( methaporically) trying to figure out how the heck to birth all of these ideas lol, how to "raise" them, and how to share them with people...Which is exactly what I gona write about, partly. .My passion for cooking. I have conquered the kitchen and cooking has been my arsenal!

I might not be as good as Mr Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Oliver but I can cook. What the hell Im talking about?  I mean, look at girls who can’t cook or burn down their own kitchen nowadays, I am definitely not shy to admit that I am not at par with them. I am at a higher rank! Hahahhaha.

What makes me so flattered and happy about cooking is seeing people enjoyed my food. I love those family-harmony kinda thing and it makes me wana cook more eventhough I gota juggle with an annoyin-chatty cuddlepuff!

I won’t brag on how well my cooking or how much sleep I needed ever since I stepped into ‘motherhood’ land. I feel like going back to Neverland.. a lot of times. Seriously.

There were times where I can’t even recalled the different groups of anti-hypertensive medication, rules of thumb, dilutions and those very important stuff in medical field. I wish I could tell the whole world that I have been certified as an ACLS provider.. all this I have kept within myself. Because all I wanted to remember these days are, my little one next vaccination, when is her last poo? has the laundry done? When is hubs next off day!

 

All these.. I can’t trade with a single penny. I miss my work. But I miss my baby more. Work can wait. But she only grows once, and that will not wait for me.

 

And yes, I will start writing again when I have more time!

 

Love, work and everything in between.

This month, it has been almost 1 year since my breakup. No, I am not counting the days, but because it falls on some auspicious couple days, so yea, it has been almost a year.
But first and foremost, I would not brood over it, because right now, I have found someone and thank god.. I feel like the luckiest girl on earth. Because this feeling.. Im having right now, I know it's not merely butterlies in the stomach kinda stuff.. it's too special in its way. Simple but.. arghhh.. I cant describe it.


Falling in love. Something I probably wouldn't even think of after the breakup. But yea.. time flies. Falling in love is just like striking a lottery. Not easy.. because you wouldn't expect him to fall into u at the same time.. and I guess I just strike a lottery?

Contented with no expectation. Too special in his own way. Sometimes I asked myself, what have I done that I deserve him in my life?

I could not give anything special to him, but I could promise to love and cherish till the end of us. And thts me, I definitely gona be around through thick and thin.. and no matter what, I'm gona love you as a person, not just your career or other external factors. I could only say this to you, but, Im gona prove it.

So, im hoping we could stick together thru hard times and good times. And never give up no matter how much it takes to be together. Distances.. We both been thru that, and it's nothing that hard anyway.

So dear.. This is for you. I love you.

15/2/2013. The breakup.

A day after Valentine's Day. We finally broke up. And he made that called. 

It was hard to accept at first but today.. it has been 4 months.
And he moved on.. right after the break up.

Didn't know that he can moved on that fast. Didn't know everything has turned so ugly but pretty to him..

So much for the 3 years relationship.. finally he moved on with someone else. Probably I wasn't at his thought at all. Because he moved on too fast.. And he announced it officially without considering my feeling when friends and families kept asking. And that really hurts.

I tried so hard. Tried hard to forget. But knowing that he moved on right after the breakup with someone else.. I finally able to erase him from my memories.

WAs it so bad that it cannot be salvaged anymore? I kept asking?
I kept asking. But today. I stop asking. I moved on too. Because brooding over is a waste of my time. I need to tell myself this.. I need to move on. But seeing someone new is still hard and tough for me..

There's so much to write but I just didn't want to. Too much of memories. Too much of hurts.

We were meant to be. Yet, you walked away from me.
You chose to walk away from me. But I will not stumble. I will not fall.

Because that promised I made to cherish and to love..
That promise I made thru thick and thin, sickness and health..
I will remember but I gota let go..
Because you want me to.

I pray for love and happiness in you.
For the best in your life.

Counting sheeps.

It's been a tough period for me since he left for work to be based at somewhere else. I've lost a companion to vent out those excessive stress at work, I've had no one to talk to..

Well, a good future is ahead for him, so, I'm just gonna be supportive whatever it takes..oh well, 3 years, I hope it'll just be in a blink of an eye.. 

There are abundance of time where I got to do my own stuff, so called 'counting sheep'. It simply means there are times when i seriously don't even know what to do, i tried to laze around every corner that he used to hang around. I sucked big time.. :( But, looking from a positive side, i got my own time to do more research and study. 

We went through a lot although it was only a month since he left for work. Perhaps we were too close together and we spend most of the time with each other, so when both were apart, problems sets in.. but we definitely learned.. Still learning and we'll grow from it.

Working wise, i have improved better compared to months before. Coping in this new ward i went 9 months ago. Cant believe it has been 10 months today.  I simply have to deal with tough working environment and a long distance relationship. I must admit, they have have been a lot of breaking down moments where I just wanna crashed down yet, i am still holding on.. I gotta look at a brighter side. Some saying, most people tend to give up when they see how far they still need to go, instead, they should have look at how far they have gone.. I totally, positively agreed. And those little little words inspires me a lot..

So this is to Alan Yan, I understand how tough those periods and exams you gota handle, but dont worry, bright shinning sun is ahead of you.. Beautiful birds welcomes you in the sky. 

I love you.. forever, now, and always..

A promise. A wait. A doubt.

Promises correlates with waits, and doubts. I feel it that way. . I have been so down, so down for some reasons yet, it didn't get better. I guess this must have accumulates. Time passes and i really hope someday somewhere i will finally get that point of chances to stumble and say, hey, finally, it's over, im free from my doubts. There's no wait. Perhaps time will heal all the reasons for the brokens .. Those decisions aren't easy, aren't my favors either, but it'd still need to be positively covered. Perhaps someday those promises, waits and doubts are no longer needed to be my responsibilities, perhaps, things would just get worst and thts the end.. loneliness are always gona be my companion, getting rid of it was a first thought but then  it all turned upside down..

Depressed.

This is the only time where I can blog. It's when I am alone. Even my loved ones not around. Im spending the chinese new year holiday here, in my comfort zone, place where i grew up. But it's gona be a very very short days. A very short one. I had really good sufficient sleep throughout the day when i came back. I slept throughout the night till morning. Without having to think of all the difficulties and trials I'll face at work tomorrow morning.Cause in the new place where I have just been transfered to, I brood and think million thoughts that I don't sleep suffifciently at night. Not even a good rest. My colleague said, that's because I am new to the place and she went through the same thing, once.

And so, i have been thinking so much it gets me into depression at times. And when everyone is looking high upon you, you gota pretend that everything's alright. and you gota say, Yea, Im fine.. I'm really fine.

Living within the agony..

It has been really fine but ever since too many footprints stepped into my little comfort zone, things has been difficult, at times. Living through the agony is so much more intensely difficult, what more if you have to live within the agony. When time passes, it reflects abundance of problems in my life. There's relationship which is common I would say, working, family, financial, future and etc. I'm trying my really best to build the foundation but sometimes it doesn't look so strong as it suppose to be. And it faded.

Just imagine when things doesn't go your own way, you stumbled when there suppose to be a backup plan. And when two person suppose to share the same old stories, it didn't happen. They just walked away. Pathetic huh? Instances could be abundance yet, unsolved. I wonder whether I should keep on walking on the cross road or I turn back and walk away. But when I turn back and walk away, it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be an eternity pinprick in my heart.. 

To stay positive, pretending the world is so colorful to live in despite a very dark heavy clouds are above me, isn't gonna work..

 

CUTTING THROUGH THE CLUTTER

The perennial confusion as to what males should look for in a woman can be dispelled by instead understanding exactly what the intents should be in the first place..

 

Future stability

If we didn’t care about the ‘future’, our dating and love lives would be different. We would simply wakeup in the morning, go about our life and randomly hook up with someone for some romantic pleasure, then go around our merry ways respectively. Most of us are concerned with the future- and yes- it is the driving force behind the concept of relationship, yet it is seldom talked about and there is little education on this topic with respect to dating and relationships.

So let’s break the mould and start addressing it. Because, understanding and creating ‘future’ makes a lot of things much less difficult.

 There comes a point when you start working together as a team pursuing mutual goals- house, car, boat, vacations, kids, etc. the thing we have to remember about is that the process of working together as a team is more important than the things we obtain as a team. Teamwork is like a ‘glue’ that holds a couple together. Sometimes when a couple achieves some of the goals that are the objects of their teamwork, they forget to replace it with new goals. Sooner or later, if you don’t replace old goals with new ones, you run out of things to work together on. I’ve seen so often a couple who gets engaged, married, has children, gets a nice house and car- then stop setting goals and their teamwork disappears.

   Sometimes, it doesn’t even go that far. Sometimes, they both have a simple goal like moving in together. They do that and stop creating projects.

 Like the need to continue to do the things you need to attract woman, working together to achieve goals and solve problems is the expanded foundation of relationship.

Goals don’t always have to be mutual goals. Sometimes a couple helps each other on personal goals. They work together as a team to get her to lose 10 pounds. They work together as team to get him a better job. Doing that creates a relationship in a healthy manner. Telling your girl : You’d better lose 10 pounds or I am out of here’ doesn’t.

    Telling the guy he’d better get a better job or you are gone doesn’t create a relationship either. These kinds of attitudes make you enemies or opponents rather than teammates.

Mutual goals are common opponents- these make you teammates in fighting against obstacles towards achieving your goals.. Continually setting goals and working on those goals as a team helps to create a relationship. Stop doing this and the relationship will start falling apart or drifting away.

Gloomy day..

            At this point of time, it's undeniable that I'm totally under the dark,heavy cloud. Sometimes life is just an unexplainable cause.. perhaps being good and being evil are same nowadays. or perhaps we should just keep the line clear and mind our own business. And perhaps the good intention or the natural instinct of me were overflowed.. and it overflows and it causes conflicts. Unwanted conflicts. Damn.. Why am I expecting so much more from people when I can't even give my best to the people I love? Why? Am i instinctly imbalanced? Am I lost? Hei.. where did I went wrong? And how did I get here? Things were just over rated at times. I'm confused too. I startled,I stumbled.. words keep slipping away. I'm really sorry that I hurt someone.I seriously do.. 

The growing up stages..

      Well hey, I'm back here. It has been some time since I last log in here. I went through a lot of things during this period of time. There were tears, laughter, romance, disappointment, and etc.   Kinda learn something throughout this period of time. It's not easy to be an adult. I mean the real adult. No kidding. I'm not talking about the reaching puberty kinda adult thingy. I'm talking about responsibility here, as an adult. 

    I understand life is not just about having fun and life is definitely never a fairy-tale. There are a lot of things to consider to be an adult. A lot. Especially relationship. At the beginning of everything, there were nothing much to be worried of, not much of responsibility as a kid, not much of frustration too i suppose. And at certain stages in life, every single things need to be taken into consideration. Every single things.. As an adult, you need to work, you need to have a working career, you need to have life, have relationship unless you plan to stay single, you need to bank-in money for your folks, you need to learn to talk and think like  an adult and probably you need to pay for rent. Not easy huh?And the list goes on and on..

    I probably have the biggest mistake when I thought life was pretty easy. You'll survive. You know? Just  have a work life,have family and go for vacation. Probably need to strive harder to achieve this.. probably.. that we'll never be able to find out. Relationship, as we go further, I realized that relationship is not just the two of us, Everything must be taken into consideration at times. There were some close people around us, and they meant something for us too.  They either build us up or the other way round. Pretty lucky if there were experience people who built us up.. indeed..

    Well, I guess I'll have to stop here. Too lazy to type nowadays.. Adult plays a pretty major role huh? Good Luck people..

To love or to trust first?

NOTE: This is merely a typical post sounds like a so-called philosophy of mine. Doesn't have any connection with anyone around. I posted this when I realised my relationship is once again at the peak of one and another stage. Going deeper and deeper and I went through some research and withdraw some ideas from my bank of thoughts and share it here..


Before jumping into conclusion,before I define whether love can exist without trust,we have to fully understand what love is. Of course I have to clarify that I'm talking about the love between two people in relationship.Love is delicate. It doesn't revolve around lust, infatuation, obsession and comfort. It is something that withstands all tests of time if it is true. It goes beyond pheromones and conscious feelings. It is a subconscious,magnetic attraction that cannot be broken by any force in the universe. At the same time that magnetism can only be foremed if both persons implicitly know every excruciating detail about the other. Love and trust are truly one and the same in this sense. The only way love can be destroyed is, if one or both persons are revealed to be something different than they were perceived to be.

To love someone and to put your heart on the line is to them with your very being. If some meone break that trust, it can never be the same, yes, people try but forgetting is nearly impossible. And your heart will always know. The scars will always be felt no matter how silent it can be, tainting the relationship for the rest of the life..

To love or to trust first? It is almost a epical battle between the two, being such a thin line both can draw. Do we love first and trust later or trust first and love later? These two can cause uncertainties between each other boundaries, well, I guess in my opinion the only answer is through your trail and error process. Like it always says, what might work well for someone else will not definately work for you equally.So true?

Another point of view from me, love without trust is nothing. Personally, I don't think you can love a person entirely if you can't trust them. We need to have trust to love someone romantically.. Well, sometime some people might break the trust but everyone deserves a second chance and just because one person messed up, doesn't mean it'll continue to happen again and again..

I have my own stand and own thoughts, perceptions and definition of trust and I'm not worried of any barriers ahead of me, and evil tempts which are luring all around..

I'm yours..- The scripts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoQ8pbtC5d0


Nice song. Just wanted to share. Got me attracted so much dear..



You touch these tired eyes of mine

And map my face out line by line

And somehow growing old feels fine



Listen close for I'm not smart

You wraps your thoughts in works of art

And they're hanging on the wall of my heart



I may not have the softest touch

I may not say the words as such

And though I may not look like much I'm yours



And though my edges may be rough

I never feel I'm quite enough

It may not seem like very much but I'm yours



You healed these scars over time

Embraced my souls, you loved my mind

You're the only angel in my life



The day news came, My best friend died

My knees went weak and you saw me cry

Say I'm still the soldier in your life..

Patience produces diamonds..

Hm... Tomorrow going back to the place which I like most.. It's kinda weird, I don't understand why I had fallen in love so deep with the place.. Penang. I guess my 'real' life started very very basic from there.. Everything started from that very place, from the  nursing course Im taking till..... relationship and not to forget friendship.. So many things I went through.. There were once when I felt like the heavy clouds were all over the place, and I begin to hate this place, well, of course only for a short while. Perhaps was too emo for that period that time..
It suppose to be something different tomorrow, I have plans.. but I guess luck once again not on my side.. whtever it is, no matter how tough the road's gonna be, I promise to cling on  certain things.. ( Fallin for someone.. )...:P

1st of July would be the new semester, and the last one for me, really wana pass the hospital and government exam asap and I can stay out from this scary hostel.. and of course, no more curfew! ha~ MNB is wayyyyyyyyyy too scary.. It'll be on the 23rd of Dec this year! I wana work hard for it and then celebrate Xmas 2 days after.. never get to celebrate.. not even once..:( the first half of year 2009 is not tht good huh? Hopefully the rest of it would be better.. To the above, a lil bit of luck and happiness for me pls.. :P During this last and final 6 months, I will strengthen all the skills needed for OSCE and also gain as much knowledge that I can for the final. . and also carry out the promise Ive made.

.........Actually the scariest part besides the final would be.. the posting. There are so many options.. I'm not sure by that time how would the hospital management side would be like.. well, if they allow to request, why not? where to go? ICU?5B?A&E?? hm... emergency department not bad but too bad they're lack of staff there so, I will always have to work double shift which means I don't even have time for myself..and for someone..haha. ICU?hm.. very very challenging..
I guess the best is to let them decide and throw me which departments they want. haha. General ward is the best to pick up skills actually before foucusing into specialized unit. .It would be a a bonus for me if Im posted to the nursery, but too bad young graduates are not encouraged to go.. sobz. Babies are way tooooooo adorable!

To be with you..- David Archuleta

Although it's not a new song, but it is for me. It's simply beautiful.. and meaningful. It describes how people are feeling when they are in long-distance relationship.. Hope to share this song with someone.. someone who have just stepped into my life recently.. I never thought I'll be able to hold on for uncertainty because of what i went through.. I hope I've made the right decision this time.. It's still too early for me to make any conclusion. I really want it to happen.. but I need this very special person to accept me as who I am, the ugliest side of me too. Then I will not worry to make any mistakes in front of him cause this is when the relationship has blossom.. I've sow the seed deep in my heart.. maybe all this while when I keep falling down, there are reasons behind it.. someone to catch me when I fall down again, perhaps?


To be with you..

I've been alone for so many nights now
And I've been waiting for the stars to fall
I keep holding out for what I don' know
Just to be with you..

So, here I am staring at the moon tonight
Wondering how you look in this light
Maybe you're somewhere thinking about me too..
To be with you.. There's nothing I wouldn't do..

And I can't imagine two worlds spinning apart
Come together eventually..
And when we finally meet, I'll now it's right
I'll be a the end of my endless road..
But this journey it was worth to fight..
To be with you..

Just to be holding you for the very first time,
Never letting go..
What I wouldn't give to feel that way..
Oh, to be with you..

And when you're standing here in front of me,
Thts when I know tht God does exist,
'Cause he will have answered every single prayer..
To be with you...
Just to be with you..

Go away evil flu...

Flu plus fever just after my family return to Ipoh. The most interesting part is, I'm working. At least today the fever is gone, while flu is setting its pace. Anyway, I have to admit that clarinase doesn't get any better, am trying clarityne now. Feel like wana dozed off because of its sedative effect. As usual, the ward was super busy, and I am actually really really tired now. .

exam fever

hm. Let's see wht I've got today. Class over at 4pm as usual today and I took a real short nap cause I'm too tired for the past few days. Exam fever.. But the scary nursing science has just over and I seriusly felt so much moreeee relieved after the paper. It's driving me crazy. Felt like my wrist is dangling cause it felt sooooo tired to write so many stuff. Everytime it'll be like that especially the terminal exam.Well, not just me of course, the rest of my colleagues felt their hand has already broken off actually .. Funny. Today is a rest day for us.So, rest is included today!! Tomorrow it'll be the CHN(community health nursing) paper. For me, it's an easy paper cause you just need to be expressive..lolx. For others, not. Tht is why I have time to blog.But i'll return to my notes asap..No worries.

Actually I don't feel happy today. I don't even know wht is wrong with me. Is it a PMS?I duno.. 

Forum le..

Heya, I have another memorable event to share with.A forum was held, actually before the research study presenation, by right I should have posted this forumt hingy before the previus posting.haha. Welll, they pass me the picture so late ma.. It was a forum thingy and marks will be given,so it's a no play-play thingy. Our group need to discuss on the topic 'murder' and we actually ..hm..kinda put in something not relevant into our slides. Hei we think it was relevant but you see, we are not the examiners, so, they perceived thing differently.haha. Below are some pictures to share.. Enjoy!




At times we can laugh over it..


At times we need to get serious.

Finally.. a good sleep but..

Whee.. finally I can sleep for more than 8 hours after the presentation of research study. It took us 12 weeks to get it done and finally.. our group deserved something that we never expected. The upshot is so good that we have to present it in front of the hospital staff for the next CNE( Continuous Nursing Education) in the auditorium. Wow!! Yesterday I only speak in front of 100 people in our lecture hall and a few tutors, examiners but in CNE? Dare not imagine. I must say that the rest of the presenters Jennifer and Joyce also have done well!! Thanks to the effort of the group members, the 'well done' part is simply awesome!! Believe or not the night before our pesentation we actually have our props and slides ready for preparation until 12 mn. Meaning I wokeup at 6am tht day and came back to my room at midnight.. Fatigue really kills people. But whatever it is, the upshot.. really good! Now, we don't have discussion anymore, temporarily until our finals over. After that, we need to sweat excessively for discussion,yea, again. CNE is a big thing. Im proud to present our research findings in front of so many hospital staff. It makes you feel your effort is worth!! Whiel there's no discussion temporarily. I wana go out kai kai la!! haha..

What to do now?

Today, sucks. Why are those unlucky stuff keep pouring on to me?? Why? Really sad right now. Never know it'll break my heart so much..so much..

The end of CHN- as a student nurse.

What a great week. It has been really enjoyable although, tiring.haha. No other word than tiring.CHN- Community Health Nursing. Working in other places throughout the week was simply amazing.Well, at least I have the chance to experience the outside 'world'. Next week have to work in the hospital, I really miss the 'business' in the ward. Time will just pass by and I sometimes will not even realise how time actually flies. This whole week really has given me an insight especially how much I should be contented and be appreciative towards my life. We went home visiting to a post-natal mother and also a disabled children. Disabled chidren, lesson? Im glad that I am physically healthy and the most importantly, normal. Some people are so unlucky. They either born mentally retarded or.. impaired physically. We are actually so so lucky. Who are those people without normal life, I wouldn't know, but I will try my best to care for those people. I will not hesitate to help cause life is so precious.
Post natal mother? 7 children in the house.And her husband earn around RM450 per month. How can they survive? The post natal mother appeared to be kinda ignorant especially in her newborn's diet.Hm. I wonder if we did not make an attempt to visit her and perform thourough examination, I guess she wouldn't even bother to come to the clinic for follow-up. There's nothing in her house, not even a single food for the children to eat:(

Lesson? Still need me to tell more? Let's just cross our finger and wish them fine.. Unforgettable week..